People pleasing, disappearing in relationships, feeling chronically guilty or overwhelmed by your emotions–these are hallmarks of what I call toxic self-denial. I’m here to help you prioritize yourself so you can heal the wounds and release the patterns that hold you back
What is Toxic Self-Denial?
In most cultures, women are rewarded for putting others’ needs first. There’s nothing inherently wrong with doing that: Selfless devotion to others is one of the highest forms of love we can show; It’s also what keeps our species going. But sometimes, selfless behavior goes too far and becomes toxic self-denial. At its roots, toxic self-denial involves a profound disconnection from self that leaves us anxious, depressed, and unsure of who we are. It makes us vulnerable to exploitation and mistreatment and liable to stay too long in unsatisfying situations and relationships.
The antidote to toxic self-denial is to develop and nurture a healthy sense of self. A healthy sense of self includes knowing who you are, what you feel, and what you need, and being able to ask for it directly. A healthy sense of self allows you to prioritize yourself while still loving and caring for others. A healthy sense of self means you can say No when you need to–so you can say Yes when you want to. With a healthy sense of self, you feel confident, worthy, and loveable, and you seek out relationships and situations that support these qualities in you.
Signs of Toxic Self-Denial
How do you know if your selflessness has crossed over into toxic self-denial? Here are some common signs:
You…
Don’t know how you feel or think, or what you want
Often feel confused and indecisive
Have a hard time setting boundaries or saying No
Are drawn to people with strong, even dominating, personalities
Take care of other people, without considering what you need
Are unsure of who you are, or what you have to offer others
Feel lost or stuck and powerless to change that
Feel very overwhelmed by strong emotions
Fear you’ll never be enough
Feel like your worth or loveability is conditional and based on what you can do for others
Tell yourself it’s not okay to complain or feel bad, when other people have it much worse
Feel uncomfortable when the spotlight is on you
Identify as a people-pleaser or caretaker
Have a sense that you’re settling, or not realizing your full potential
An Intelligent Strategy
It’s important to recognize that you developed the strategy of putting others first and minimizing your needs and feelings for a reason. It was probably an effective way to keep peace in your family, get love or approval, stay connected–even survive. You may have been a natural caretaker as a child: Sensitive, empathic, used to being quiet and “good” and attuning to others. And perhaps in your family, other people’s needs, opinions, and feelings seemed bigger, louder, and more important.
In a roundabout way, you got your basic needs met from playing the part of caretaker. But now that you’re an adult, the costs are beginning to outweigh the benefits of this strategy. Yes, you get to feel loved, valued and connected when you put others first. But what happens if you don’t? You fear losing the relationships you have because your loved ones may lash out, resent you, or cut you off. You’re stuck. You shuttle between resentment and guilt. You’re unsure of who you are, what you want, or what you have to offer beyond caretaking others.
The Emotional Cost of Toxic Self Denial
Attuning so carefully to what others think, feel, and need may also have impacted your emotional development.
At our most basic level, all humans are driven by emotions. Emotions are essential to our survival and our success. They help us avoid danger, seek connection, and know what we need and want. Emotions underlie just about every decision we make. But in order to use our emotions effectively, we must be able to tolerate them and make sense of them.
Learning to manage emotions is a critical process in infant development, but for people with toxic self-denial patterns, the process may be incomplete. This is usually due to absent or impaired caregivers, or caregivers who didn’t know how to manage and make sense of their own emotions and may have needed you for that. When no one is present or able to help you ride the natural waves of fear, anger, sadness, or joy, you feel overwhelmed and shut down or disconnect. And if your caregivers need you to soothe them, you learn to minimize or disconnect from your feelings so you can tend to theirs.
Because these family patterns are less about what happened than what didn’t happen, people often doubt or minimize their significance. But the impact of not having an attuned caregiver who can help you manage your emotions is profound and can lead to all the difficulties named above, plus:
depression, anxiety, anger issues
low motivation
numbing out
addictive or compulsive behaviors
The good news is that, because you’re so good at attuning to others, you can learn to attune to yourself. Our work together will include reconnecting you to your emotions through mind/body awareness in the context of a warm, accepting relationship that’s for you, and about you.
Creating a Healthy Sense of Self
The antidote to toxic self-denial is to develop a healthy sense of self. There’s nothing broken that needs to be fixed–you simply need to figure out who you actually are and give yourself permission to be that. This life and self-affirming process will take you on a journey full of unexpected discoveries in which you will learn to tune into and manage your emotions, accept and even love yourself, and begin to feel more confident, more joyful and more alive.
Contact me to take the next step towards healing.